Will It Ever Get Better ?

Sam got sick again.... I don't know whether it's a weakened immune system from being premature or just because he's exposed to so many germs.

Everyone has been giving me tips and advice which I really appreciate, but none of it works.
He's been coughing for over a week now and yet when we went to the doctor she said it was a virus and it would stop. no sign of that yet!

I should probably explain that Sam is special needs, he has developmental delays in many area's including speech and motor skills. He also has a reduced mental age of half what it should be. (He's 4 but has mental age of a 2 year old) He isn't potty trained because he cant consistently tell us that he needs to go.

He has epilepsy which is finally under control after 3 years of trying but so many meds daily. He cant/wont ? walk flat footed and is prone to accidents because of it.

<----- Night time medication






I love my little guy to pieces but i feel out of my depth, I feel like I'm drowning. Hes always sick or injuring himself and it breaks my heart that i cant fix him.

so far this year i think we've had 4 non sick weeks, 1 case of bacterial pneumonia, countless coughs and colds. we probably should have bought stocks in Kleenex and PediaCare. We've had countless minor accidents the latest few include walking in to a corner wall and falling on to his train set which has resulted in a train track imprint across his butt check :(

 <--- Our trip to the ER


now I feel bad because Sam is not only sick and cant sleep a full night without coughing but he's waking the rest of the house too. I wish I could take him away for a few days so everyone could get some sleep.

I haven't slept properly or in my bed since January when Sam got his pneumonia, but I don't care about me. I can manage on little sleep but things have got to start getting better soon because I just cant cope.
I wish I knew what I was doing wrong, or how to do things better.

Le Sigh.....

So Jealous

I am so happy for my sister in law and her husband, they finally got out of a shitty neighborhood where drive-by’s have happened and now are renting a gorgeous house in a awesome suburb.

I wish them luck not that they will need it and know that they will live a happy life together there for the foreseeable future.

(as long as V does as he’s told )

 

however all their wonderful stuff makes me incredibly jealous and semi depressed. I had hopes of getting our own place be it an apartment or rented house by now. Don’t get me wrong I am happy beyond belief for them and appreciate what I have but now I want my own.

 

I miss being able to walk around naked or stay up all night or pass out on the couch in my underwear, You know the small stuff.

 

I’d like somewhere I can relax and maybe have a TV and the interwebs. I’d like to be able to play music out loud and dance around the room.

I know I have to do something and I am going to apply at every place I can think of, in the small hopes of getting an interview. I’ve got to have some freedom. I’ve got to do this for Me, For Sam and For Ben.

So congratulations R & V you deserve it !! expect me couch surfing soon Love you guys !

What's your Excuse

I’d like to bring something to your attention.

My Twitter friend Jessi @Jbenj219 has Cystic Fibrosis and in 2011 she was hospitalized so many times i lost count… 2012 hasn’t been any easier on her.

Jessi was admitted again yesterday, and was in some pain today.
To Quote her tweet "Being moved to the Intensive Special Care Unit (ISCU). A level of care between ICU and regular floor. #CysticFibrosis

She tweets and she blogs which i read and always hope the next post will be “guess what i got today!” but She is waiting for a double lung transplant and the wait is long…. for some too long :(

Jessi is Smart, Funny, Brave and a Fighter.. she will not let this disease get the better of her. Please read her blog for examples of her courageousness.
So as she waits for her transplant, Think about Organ donation. Whats stopping you? you could save up to 8 lives by donating your organs

From Organdonor.gov
“Someone is added to the transplant list every 11 minutes! Each day, about 77 people receive organ transplants. However, 19 people die each day waiting for transplants that can’t take place because of the shortage of donated organs. Organ transplantation has become an accepted medical treatment for end stage organ failure”

http://jbenj219.blogspot.com/

So Save a life and help someone else live #BreatheEasy

Depression

I have been meaning to write this post for a while but the time was never right, now I'm just going to do because things need to be said.

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted." - Elizabeth Wurzel

I have suffered with depression for over 10 years, there are good days and bad days and I don't want to get out of bed days. the last five years I have had many more good days than bad but still it doesn't feel like enough.  

Depression can be triggered by so many things but a common one is loss. We have all lost someone we love but for some people losing that person is like the world ending, it's physical and emotional pain.

For some the trigger can be stress or a traumatic event and you question yourself and ask why me for so long that you accept blame for something that is blameless.

There are 18.8 million people in the US with diagnosed depression and countless who are not.

Now to my point... 

I am fed up of people telling me that I'm supposed to be happy all the time, If you want to be happy and you have stuff to be happy about, great! But please don't expect me to be because it doesn't fucking work like that.

This whole "have a nice day" and shitting rainbows and glitter isn't me... I can't do it. I'm happy when i feel like not when you tell me to be.

I have been through a lot in my life and sometimes it's hard to deal with, please don't judge me because you have not lived my life. 

No doubt you have had your own hardships and they are no less valid than mine but we are not one person, we feel different emotions at different times.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”- Mother Teresa 

If you love me you will stop being judgmental, stop expecting me to feel OK and let me be me. You all have your family around you and you all have some way to get away from the world. I prefer to feel my way through it and not numb myself.

“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.” - Albert Einstein

Things have gotten out of hand and now the family that i have come to call my own are turning their backs against my husband and I.  

I am upset and disappointed that you feel this way, but until you start talking to me without the judgmental attitude I will just stay away, In fact we all will. you cant just pick and choose parts of us to love.

We come as a package. Love one, Love all.

I love you guys and I always will.

Ten Years On….

Ten years ago the world as New York and America knew it was changed forever. On 9/11/2001 Terrorists took control of 4 planes intent on shaking America to its very core, They succeeded.

Flight AA11 hit world trade center 1,
Flight UA175 hit tower 2.
Flight AA77 was flown into the the pentagon
and Flight UA93 crashed in a field in Pennsylvania.
Flight 93 was brought down by the passengers on board, who realized that there was no other choice. Intelligence suggests this plane was heading for the white house.

2977 people were killed, and 19 Terrorists committed what I consider suicide.

I think everyone remembers where they were that day, how they watched it unfold. I went to a friends straight after work and we were hanging out watching TV, Her boyfriend burst through the door and told us to put the news on... after that we were pretty much glued to the TV.
I think back and remember thinking it was a movie until I saw the first tower collapse like a house of cards. after that it was just a feeling utter helplessness and horror.

The images still haunt me....I will never forget the images of people leaping from windows, and i will never forget the images of the firefighters trying to dig people out.

I cant imagine what it must have been like to be in new york that day. I will never know the pain of having lost someone in the attacks and yet I cried and i cried hard.

10 years later and we are still fighting to get the New York Emergency Services the help that they need to function after dealing with this horrific event. They came out and gave their all.
343 New York City Fire Department firefighters, 23 New York City Police Department officers, and 37 Port Authority Police Department officers, 15 EMTs and 3 Court Officers, Gave their lives.
The US is strong and will rebuild the trade center and put in a memorial for those who perished and no one will ever forget them.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg asks that we stop using the term “Ground Zero” and I agree, to quote him
"We will never forget the devastation of the area that came to be known as 'Ground Zero.' Never, But the time has come to call those 16 acres what they are: The World Trade Center and the National September 11th Memorial and Museum." 

It is time.

I beam from North Tower

Fire Fighters Tribute

Steel Girder

The United 93 Memorial Fountain

Granite Ball with all victims names on

Pictures Taken at the 9/11 memorial at Cal Expo, Sacramento.

5 Questions

This is post 1 of 3 (or 4) this week depending on how well I feel the rest of the week.

So I was going to do a podcast but I got too nervous and embarrassed about how my voice sounds.

I asked my twitter folks to send me questions to answer on the podcast and since I didn’t do it vocally I’m going to do by text.

Q1 How did I meet my husband and Q2 how was the long distance relationship?

I met my husband playing online trivia on mIRC, in a chat room called #chataholics. We met in November 2006 got engaged in December 2006.

We had our son in December 2007 and we got Married in December 2008. I moved to the US in June 2010 after 2 years of immigration bullshit and spending the majority of the time apart. So the long distance was terribly painful being apart for so long, but we survived it.

the hardest part of any long distance relationship is the loneliness and doubt. you begin to doubt the other person still loves you and you feel isolated.

 

one of our first pictures

Q3 what are your favorite movies and books?

The Green Mile is one of my favorite books and movies, I love Stephen King He is a literary genius.

Also The Lovely Bones and from my childhood anything by Judy Blume.

other movies I liked include Independence day, Titanic, Event Horizon, Cars, Armageddon and Dirty Dancing.

Q What type of music do you listen to?

I like most music. I’m not a fan of rap but will tolerate most anything else.

A few of my faves are Bon Jovi, Pink, REO Speedwagon, Aerosmith and Savage Garden.

Us at REO Speedwagon concert!

and Finally

Q5 How long have you been on Twitter and does it Satisfy you?

I’ve been on twitter since 2007 but had to delete my first account due to crazy people harassing me. I love that twitter is so basic and not full of the same shit that Facebook is. its also more fun for me because I already know all my Facebook friends so getting to know new people on twitter is awesome so yes I guess it does lol.

 

I would like to thank @LoveJohnTyree & @mr_inkinsideme for their questions.

and I would also like to thank these people for making twitter so much fun for me.

@LoveJohnTyree @getoffmyplanet @mr_inkinsideme @babe_Chilla @G_bugg @Sandrinistrivia @jbenj219 @CbearsMamma @The Falconer

I Just Take Pictures

  "Which of my photographs is my favorite? The one I’m going to take tomorrow." –Imogen Cunningham


   Squeeeee.. Mrs. Kori M invited me to write a Guest Post for her, and “I Am excited” will be an understatement. My mission is to entertain y'all, and try to not make a fool of myself. Which I will, I have faith in my fool-ness, umm yeah .. never mind.

Internet is so awesome, I met Mrs. K on twitter and now we are friends. I have some best friends on Internet, and I wish they lived closer. (My friends in real life, don't hate me, I love you all too :) She is hilarious, beautiful, charming, has a beautiful family, cutest son and a talented Lady!
   Before we move on and talk about something, I want y'all to motivate and help Mrs. K to start her own podcast. She wants to, she even tried, but got nervous. :)

   So, We both have one thing in common, and that is our love for 'Photography'. While I am still an amateur photographer, still learning and loving it. Mrs. K here, is so good at it. I got the chance to see, some of her beautiful shots. I love the fact, that we capture images and not just click them. She is so good at capturing images. We must get to see more of her work (hint hint :D)

There is no beginning or end to photography, my inspiration is beauty. Photography helps me see beauty in everything. You know that feeling when you hold a camera and, then go crazy ? Yeah that! It's like happiness.. pure Bliss! 

The best lesson I have learned, is that being “Original” is the key to everything and anything you do!! We both talked and found out, that we both enjoy photography and have endless pictures on our computers. Like most of my drive is full of pictures. Some good, some average, some really really bad and embarrassing. But that's how we learn, right ?

If you are an iphone/ipod user or maybe not, you must have heard of the application “Instagram” ? No ? Okay, so it's basically an application that helps you use certain filters to edit your pictures (and make it look a lot better than the real picture ;D), and post it for your friends and others to see. And I really hope they come up with a website or an app for other devices too. It's pretty cool! So considering the fact that, I am a lunatic photographer (excuse my language!!), I thought of sharing some shots with y'all (edited using Instagram) -

Vintage Watch – a gift from grandmother

Vacation !

Yes I am 10, and I went on that ride “3 times”

   Myself !

"I hate cameras.  They are so much more sure than I am about everything."  ~John Steinbeck
So if any one of you share our love and craziness for photographs, comment and share your links/suggestions/words, so we can all share and enjoy! Have a fantabulous day! And send Mrs. K and I some love. :)
Love & Peace
Shruti

Appetite for Destruction

Ack Rioting, Ack Looting.....

I'm 8000 miles away from the looting and rioting in London and still it pains me to see people destroying the capital and surrounding areas.

And what for ? because a guy was fatally shot by Police. I understand this is not a subject to be taken lightly and i'm not saying what the police did was right, but how can these people think that this will help the family of said young man. 

as i said on twitter this is not the right way to honor a persons memory, no family wants their family members legacy to be "oh yea people started fires and trashed our neighbourhood for him/her"

this is an embarrassment to London, to the Family of Mark Duggan, and the police. 

by rioting and looting you are destroying things that people can't replace, small businesses and families can not afford to replace their belongings. And by destroying bigger chains you are only causing more work for our already overworked and underpaid Police, Nurses, Doctors, Firefighters etc.

what confuses me is how people can do this for one person. Believe me i don't want to be disrespectful but if you can do something for this one person, why cant you do something constructive like protest with this passion about things like police cuts, student tuition hikes, pay rates for nurses and soldiers. If you can burn London to a crisp imagine what you can do peacefully in numbers like this.

As i write this i am hearing reports that my beloved Liverpool is also now burning and Birmingham has also had problems, I implore you to stop what you are doing and think about the devastation you are causing.

i want to also quote some tweets from my timeline today...

RT @GWSFANY2211: @MissKellyO Kelly my aunty on 12 hour shift with police 999 calls. Tired and near crying, plz retweet so world can see police are trying xx

RT @stupidgirl45: Lots and lotof sirens heading up the high road into town. Hope all is okay

RT @stupidgirl45: Reporter on the BBC at Clapham Junction sounding incredibly distressed, apparently there is a fully burning building - that explains sirens

RT @yoursimplegirl: #Streatham Carphone Warehouse looted!

RT @EmmaK67: You're setting fire to the place your great grandparents put their lives on the line to defend. You little shits

twitvid.com/4JTZH

RT @DaveGorman: Pretty hard to enjoy Edinburgh knowing what's going on in London.  Scared for those I love.

RT @magicmadge17: please HELP my country has gone MAD  im in fear of my life please MY army help me HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Violence is never the answer! please stop this now 

One Year and Counting

So 12 months ago, I left the UK for warmer shores,  a few things have happened nothing really exciting the first being I got a job, the second being I lost my job.

I have had my highs and lows and I've tried to deal with bouts of homesickness. on the whole I think I've done pretty well.

I know a few people who think I could be doing better but I say to you people let me take your family and friends away and see how you feel. I'm here and trying.

I can take criticism but when it’s not constructive, it hurts. for example tell me why I should be happy all the time…. explain to me how that is possible with the things I deal with on a daily basis ?

I don’t have a positive outlook on live, I never have but I’m getting better you may not see it now but you will… just give me time!

anyway on to other stuff..

its been a year ! Sam is growing up fast !! here’s a recent picture

(putting on his own pants !)

he is turning in to a real little devil but he is just adorable at the same time and he only has to look at me and I melt.

Sam started pre-school on Monday, I was sadder than he was.

we were totally unprepared for it and I can understand that this may be frustrating for people but we are first timers. we make mistakes but we learn from them.

I have been considering what to do because I am a failure as a mom but have not decided on anything yet. I continue to try my very best but its not good enough for this wonderful little boy.

I wish I was a better parent but I am who I am, and I try! 

anyone else ever feel that their best just isn’t enough? or am I really the worst mom in the world?

My Boy is Smart

So Sam and I spent our day in the usual way, playing with trains and watching DVD’s (Todays DVD de Jour was Timmy Time)

I was fiddling with my laptop trying to get it back to 75% normal, Sam was laughing hysterically at Timmy and munching on snacks so a pleasant afternoon.

fast forward to 6:30 we are over at Lisa and Rick’s (In Laws) to have dinner as we do every Tuesday and Thursday night.

Sam is routing through the hundreds of toys he has over there and we are in the kitchen prepping.

Meanwhile Sam has found something to amuse himself with 

And then I see him running through the dining room with it, like you would in a egg and spoon race. This really surprised me I thought WOW how clever is my boy learning a new trick and amusing himself.

what I didn’t realize until 3 hours later was he’d seen Timmy doing it all afternoon!

see here Timmy video

Skip to just before 3 minutes and you will see what I mean so I grabbed a few snap shots on my phone and thought I’d share with you guys just how clever my little dude is !

Now who’s half a pie short Daddy !

Merry Christmas.... Ha bloody Ha Ha

So Christmas is over, and that's depressing enough but to add to my post Christmas woes I got laid off on boxing day.

I worked every hour they asked me to, came in every time they called and what did I get in return. No thank you or a merry Christmas just "were sorry business slows down now and we have to let you go." 

hmmm so after 3 months and 10 days after I started I am unemployed again.  

As much as I try not to be sad and angry, I still feel cheated. 

however now I have time to relax again (and work on my blog) and my photography. 

I have decided to take a week of rest and relaxation before applying for more jobs. I have made a list of 9 places that i should apply to in the hope that one might take a chance on me.

so onward and upward :) 

I hope you all had a merry Christmas and i hope you have an even better new year.

Here's to 2011 

Owww

IMG-20101109-00338.jpg
Originally uploaded by ~Katie Miller~
Just when you think you've turned a corner BAM. You get hit by a speeding bus !
Ok not literally but things were staring to look good and today I get up and my leg feels stiff. Not such a big deal since I've been working but I know this stiffness.
This time last year I had microfracture surgery on my left ankle see here Photo of the foot  and  Here and tonight the damn foot feels much like it did pre surgery.
Tomorrow is my day off so hopefully I can rest and let my weary feet recover.
And hopefully I won't have to make an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon!

Fear and Loathing…

Imagine your worst fear and multiply it by 1,000,000 and you probably come somewhere close to how i feel about my biggest fear.

before i tell you what it is, you need to understand just how bad it is for me. I shake, sweat, panic, cry, I hyperventilate, i feel like my heart will jump right out of my chest. I cant sleep properly if i think about it. So what is it that does this to me…..

DEATH

ok so you’re probably like HAHA, but the thought of dying absolutely freaks me out. It runs through my mind like a black and white movie.

I see nothing but darkness and my coffin in the ground and I never see my baby or husband or anyone ever again. there’s no music. I cease to exist. I can’t even explain it well enough without wanting to cry.

My husband thinks I’m crazy and I need to have “Faith” but how exactly will faith help me overcome this fear and faith in what ?

How do normal people go about daily life not breaking down and having panic attacks about this and surely to a certain extent this is somewhat normal. I loathe myself because i feel this way !

other people have “Irrational fears” what’s yours and how do you cope with it ?

http://phobialist.com/  to find yours

Camping Again !

So on Wednesday i went camping again, it was such a blast and although i missed Sam, i enjoyed the break.

Day one was so much fun, we found a site and set up the tent. Then we went exploring it was a lovely site and a great pitch. we were right by the river and some mini waterfalls.

 

we spent some of the day playing cards and scattergories, a little more exploring and then we looked at the stars.

Day two didn’t start particularly well neither of us sleep well and it was freezing all night. We drove to Kirkwood to get ice and firewood and got some coffee to warm us up.

We decided to take a small hike to a spot behind the campsite called the pot holes, it was really nice. There were large pools of water and rocks you could slide down into them, kind of like a natural water park.

My Mom in law and Sam visited today and we all had lunch together and then went down to the lake. Sam liked throwing rocks into the water.

Got back to camp long enough for Sam to fall twice.. he calmed down really quickly though. Then mom and Sam left. I cried for 10 minutes after they left, i have no idea why !

when i finally stopped crying, I cooked hotdogs over the fire for dinner, mine fell in the fire LOL. i had to cook two.

Ben decided that the firewood we got from the store wasn’t enough so we went scouting for wood and found a bit. Now people understand Ben likes his campfire big and burn-y lol so it should come as no big surprise he got the biggest piece of wood he could find.

once the fire was nicely stocked and giving us much need warmth we turned off our camp lights and got our chairs and watched the Perseid Meteor shower.

The shower is visible from mid-July each year, with the peak in activity being between August 9 and 14, depending on the particular location of the stream. During the peak, the rate of meteors reaches 60 or more per hour. They can be seen all across the sky, but because of the path of Swift-Tuttle's orbit, Perseids are primarily visible in the northern hemisphere. As with all meteor showers, the rate is greatest in the pre-dawn hours.

It was totally romantic and beautiful, watching the light streak across the sky was incredible

 

we woke up on Friday Warm and happy. so we packed up camp got in the car and drove home.

What did you do this week ?

Catch Up

 

What have i been doing since i last blogged? well that’s an interesting question. and here’s the answer.

i spent my first 4th of July in the states

I went to the beach

I went Camping and on a boat !

and to the state fair !

you can see the rest of my pictures here My Flickr Photostream

I like being here, this country is beautiful.

we are taking Sam to the fair tonight which should be interesting ! so what have you guys been doing ?