Thursday, April 26, 2012

Will It Ever Get Better ?

Sam got sick again.... I don't know whether it's a weakened immune system from being premature or just because he's exposed to so many germs.

Everyone has been giving me tips and advice which I really appreciate, but none of it works.
He's been coughing for over a week now and yet when we went to the doctor she said it was a virus and it would stop. no sign of that yet!

I should probably explain that Sam is special needs, he has developmental delays in many area's including speech and motor skills. He also has a reduced mental age of half what it should be. (He's 4 but has mental age of a 2 year old) He isn't potty trained because he cant consistently tell us that he needs to go.

He has epilepsy which is finally under control after 3 years of trying but so many meds daily. He cant/wont ? walk flat footed and is prone to accidents because of it.

<----- Night time medication

I love my little guy to pieces but i feel out of my depth, I feel like I'm drowning. Hes always sick or injuring himself and it breaks my heart that i cant fix him.

so far this year i think we've had 4 non sick weeks, 1 case of bacterial pneumonia, countless coughs and colds. we probably should have bought stocks in Kleenex and PediaCare. We've had countless minor accidents the latest few include walking in to a corner wall and falling on to his train set which has resulted in a train track imprint across his butt check :(

 <--- Our trip to the ER

now I feel bad because Sam is not only sick and cant sleep a full night without coughing but he's waking the rest of the house too. I wish I could take him away for a few days so everyone could get some sleep.

I haven't slept properly or in my bed since January when Sam got his pneumonia, but I don't care about me. I can manage on little sleep but things have got to start getting better soon because I just cant cope.
I wish I knew what I was doing wrong, or how to do things better.

Le Sigh.....

Thursday, March 15, 2012

So Jealous

I am so happy for my sister in law and her husband, they finally got out of a shitty neighborhood where drive-by’s have happened and now are renting a gorgeous house in a awesome suburb.

I wish them luck not that they will need it and know that they will live a happy life together there for the foreseeable future.

(as long as V does as he’s told Winking smile)


however all their wonderful stuff makes me incredibly jealous and semi depressed. I had hopes of getting our own place be it an apartment or rented house by now. Don’t get me wrong I am happy beyond belief for them and appreciate what I have but now I want my own.



I miss being able to walk around naked or stay up all night or pass out on the couch in my underwear, You know the small stuff.



I’d like somewhere I can relax and maybe have a TV and the interwebs. I’d like to be able to play music out loud and dance around the room.

I know I have to do something and I am going to apply at every place I can think of, in the small hopes of getting an interview. I’ve got to have some freedom. I’ve got to do this for Me, For Sam and For Ben.


So congratulations R & V you deserve it !! expect me couch surfing soon Smile Love you guys !

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What's your Excuse

I’d like to bring something to your attention.

My Twitter friend Jessi @Jbenj219 has Cystic Fibrosis and in 2011 she was hospitalized so many times i lost count… 2012 hasn’t been any easier on her.

Jessi was admitted again yesterday, and was in some pain today.
To Quote her tweet "Being moved to the Intensive Special Care Unit (ISCU). A level of care between ICU and regular floor.

She tweets and she blogs which i read and always hope the next post will be “guess what i got today!” but She is waiting for a double lung transplant and the wait is long…. for some too long :(

Jessi is Smart, Funny, Brave and a Fighter.. she will not let this disease get the better of her. Please read her blog for examples of her courageousness.
So as she waits for her transplant, Think about Organ donation. Whats stopping you? you could save up to 8 lives by donating your organs

“Someone is added to the transplant list every 11 minutes! Each day, about 77 people receive organ transplants. However, 19 people die each day waiting for transplants that can’t take place because of the shortage of donated organs. Organ transplantation has become an accepted medical treatment for end stage organ failure”

So Save a life and help someone else live #BreatheEasy

Sunday, September 11, 2011


I have been meaning to write this post for a while but the time was never right, now I'm just going to do because things need to be said.

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted." - Elizabeth Wurzel

I have suffered with depression for over 10 years, there are good days and bad days and I don't want to get out of bed days. the last five years I have had many more good days than bad but still it doesn't feel like enough.  
Depression can be triggered by so many things but a common one is loss. We have all lost someone we love but for some people losing that person is like the world ending, it's physical and emotional pain.
For some the trigger can be stress or a traumatic event and you question yourself and ask why me for so long that you accept blame for something that is blameless.
There are 18.8 million people in the US with diagnosed depression and countless who are not.

Now to my point... 

I am fed up of people telling me that I'm supposed to be happy all the time, If you want to be happy and you have stuff to be happy about, great! But please don't expect me to be because it doesn't fucking work like that.
This whole "have a nice day" and shitting rainbows and glitter isn't me... I can't do it. I'm happy when i feel like not when you tell me to be.

I have been through a lot in my life and sometimes it's hard to deal with, please don't judge me because you have not lived my life. 
No doubt you have had your own hardships and they are no less valid than mine but we are not one person, we feel different emotions at different times.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”- Mother Teresa 

If you love me you will stop being judgmental, stop expecting me to feel OK and let me be me. You all have your family around you and you all have some way to get away from the world. I prefer to feel my way through it and not numb myself.

“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.” - Albert Einstein

Things have gotten out of hand and now the family that i have come to call my own are turning their backs against my husband and I.  
I am upset and disappointed that you feel this way, but until you start talking to me without the judgmental attitude I will just stay away, In fact we all will. you cant just pick and choose parts of us to love.

We come as a package. Love one, Love all.
I love you guys and I always will.

Friday, September 09, 2011

Ten Years On….

Ten years ago the world as New York and America knew it was changed forever. On 9/11/2001 Terrorists took control of 4 planes intent on shaking America to its very core, They succeeded.

Flight AA11 hit world trade center 1,
Flight UA175 hit tower 2.
Flight AA77 was flown into the the pentagon
and Flight UA93 crashed in a field in Pennsylvania.
Flight 93 was brought down by the passengers on board, who realized that there was no other choice. Intelligence suggests this plane was heading for the white house.

2977 people were killed, and 19 Terrorists committed what I consider suicide.

I think everyone remembers where they were that day, how they watched it unfold. I went to a friends straight after work and we were hanging out watching TV, Her boyfriend burst through the door and told us to put the news on... after that we were pretty much glued to the TV.
I think back and remember thinking it was a movie until I saw the first tower collapse like a house of cards. after that it was just a feeling utter helplessness and horror.

The images still haunt me....I will never forget the images of people leaping from windows, and i will never forget the images of the firefighters trying to dig people out.

I cant imagine what it must have been like to be in new york that day. I will never know the pain of having lost someone in the attacks and yet I cried and i cried hard.

10 years later and we are still fighting to get the New York Emergency Services the help that they need to function after dealing with this horrific event. They came out and gave their all.
343 New York City Fire Department firefighters, 23 New York City Police Department officers, and 37 Port Authority Police Department officers, 15 EMTs and 3 Court Officers, Gave their lives.
The US is strong and will rebuild the trade center and put in a memorial for those who perished and no one will ever forget them.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg asks that we stop using the term “Ground Zero” and I agree, to quote him
"We will never forget the devastation of the area that came to be known as 'Ground Zero.' Never, But the time has come to call those 16 acres what they are: The World Trade Center and the National September 11th Memorial and Museum." 

It is time.

I beam from North Tower

Fire Fighters Tribute
Steel Girder
The United 93 Memorial Fountain
Granite Ball with all victims names on
Pictures Taken at the 9/11 memorial at Cal Expo, Sacramento.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

5 Questions

This is post 1 of 3 (or 4) this week depending on how well I feel the rest of the week.

So I was going to do a podcast but I got too nervous and embarrassed about how my voice sounds.

I asked my twitter folks to send me questions to answer on the podcast and since I didn’t do it vocally I’m going to do by text.

Q1 How did I meet my husband and Q2 how was the long distance relationship?

I met my husband playing online trivia on mIRC, in a chat room called #chataholics. We met in November 2006 got engaged in December 2006.

We had our son in December 2007 and we got Married in December 2008. I moved to the US in June 2010 after 2 years of immigration bullshit and spending the majority of the time apart. So the long distance was terribly painful being apart for so long, but we survived it.

the hardest part of any long distance relationship is the loneliness and doubt. you begin to doubt the other person still loves you and you feel isolated.


one of our first pictures

Q3 what are your favorite movies and books?

The Green Mile is one of my favorite books and movies, I love Stephen King He is a literary genius.

Also The Lovely Bones and from my childhood anything by Judy Blume.

other movies I liked include Independence day, Titanic, Event Horizon, Cars, Armageddon and Dirty Dancing.

Q What type of music do you listen to?

I like most music. I’m not a fan of rap but will tolerate most anything else.

A few of my faves are Bon Jovi, Pink, REO Speedwagon, Aerosmith and Savage Garden.


Us at REO Speedwagon concert!

and Finally

Q5 How long have you been on Twitter and does it Satisfy you?

I’ve been on twitter since 2007 but had to delete my first account due to crazy people harassing me. I love that twitter is so basic and not full of the same shit that Facebook is. its also more fun for me because I already know all my Facebook friends so getting to know new people on twitter is awesome Smile so yes I guess it does lol.


I would like to thank @LoveJohnTyree & @mr_inkinsideme for their questions.

and I would also like to thank these people for making twitter so much fun for me.

@LoveJohnTyree @getoffmyplanet @mr_inkinsideme @babe_Chilla @G_bugg @Sandrinistrivia @jbenj219 @CbearsMamma @The Falconer

Monday, September 05, 2011

I Just Take Pictures

  "Which of my photographs is my favorite? The one I’m going to take tomorrow." –Imogen Cunningham

   Squeeeee.. Mrs. Kori M invited me to write a Guest Post for her, and “I Am excited” will be an understatement. My mission is to entertain y'all, and try to not make a fool of myself. Which I will, I have faith in my fool-ness, umm yeah .. never mind.

Internet is so awesome, I met Mrs. K on twitter and now we are friends. I have some best friends on Internet, and I wish they lived closer. (My friends in real life, don't hate me, I love you all too :) She is hilarious, beautiful, charming, has a beautiful family, cutest son and a talented Lady!
   Before we move on and talk about something, I want y'all to motivate and help Mrs. K to start her own podcast. She wants to, she even tried, but got nervous. :)

   So, We both have one thing in common, and that is our love for 'Photography'. While I am still an amateur photographer, still learning and loving it. Mrs. K here, is so good at it. I got the chance to see, some of her beautiful shots. I love the fact, that we capture images and not just click them. She is so good at capturing images. We must get to see more of her work (hint hint :D)

There is no beginning or end to photography, my inspiration is beauty. Photography helps me see beauty in everything. You know that feeling when you hold a camera and, then go crazy ? Yeah that! It's like happiness.. pure Bliss! 

The best lesson I have learned, is that being “Original” is the key to everything and anything you do!! We both talked and found out, that we both enjoy photography and have endless pictures on our computers. Like most of my drive is full of pictures. Some good, some average, some really really bad and embarrassing. But that's how we learn, right ?

If you are an iphone/ipod user or maybe not, you must have heard of the application “Instagram” ? No ? Okay, so it's basically an application that helps you use certain filters to edit your pictures (and make it look a lot better than the real picture ;D), and post it for your friends and others to see. And I really hope they come up with a website or an app for other devices too. It's pretty cool! So considering the fact that, I am a lunatic photographer (excuse my language!!), I thought of sharing some shots with y'all (edited using Instagram) -

Vintage Watch – a gift from grandmother
Vacation !
Yes I am 10, and I went on that ride “3 times”

   Myself !
"I hate cameras.  They are so much more sure than I am about everything."  ~John Steinbeck
So if any one of you share our love and craziness for photographs, comment and share your links/suggestions/words, so we can all share and enjoy! Have a fantabulous day! And send Mrs. K and I some love. :)
Love & Peace