Sunday, September 11, 2011


I have been meaning to write this post for a while but the time was never right, now I'm just going to do because things need to be said.

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted." - Elizabeth Wurzel

I have suffered with depression for over 10 years, there are good days and bad days and I don't want to get out of bed days. the last five years I have had many more good days than bad but still it doesn't feel like enough.  
Depression can be triggered by so many things but a common one is loss. We have all lost someone we love but for some people losing that person is like the world ending, it's physical and emotional pain.
For some the trigger can be stress or a traumatic event and you question yourself and ask why me for so long that you accept blame for something that is blameless.
There are 18.8 million people in the US with diagnosed depression and countless who are not.

Now to my point... 

I am fed up of people telling me that I'm supposed to be happy all the time, If you want to be happy and you have stuff to be happy about, great! But please don't expect me to be because it doesn't fucking work like that.
This whole "have a nice day" and shitting rainbows and glitter isn't me... I can't do it. I'm happy when i feel like not when you tell me to be.

I have been through a lot in my life and sometimes it's hard to deal with, please don't judge me because you have not lived my life. 
No doubt you have had your own hardships and they are no less valid than mine but we are not one person, we feel different emotions at different times.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”- Mother Teresa 

If you love me you will stop being judgmental, stop expecting me to feel OK and let me be me. You all have your family around you and you all have some way to get away from the world. I prefer to feel my way through it and not numb myself.

“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.” - Albert Einstein

Things have gotten out of hand and now the family that i have come to call my own are turning their backs against my husband and I.  
I am upset and disappointed that you feel this way, but until you start talking to me without the judgmental attitude I will just stay away, In fact we all will. you cant just pick and choose parts of us to love.

We come as a package. Love one, Love all.
I love you guys and I always will.

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