Monday, May 31, 2010

Goodbye, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodnight

This is it. the final night at home... what i have considered my home for 25 years !
actually all my life.
this house will always have special memories for me, good and bad, but i have loved the house more than the place. if i could take the house with me i probably would.

OK so its not the Ritz and its not a slum.. its comfortable and homely and has enough room for my junk. i am feeling kinda emotional as i look around and see half of my life lying around and the other half stuffed into 2 suitcases and a duffel bag.
The UK isn't the best country in the world but it far from the worst and i will certainly miss some of the perks of living here.. National Health Service for a start.

 (this wouldn't have been possible without the NHS)

Saying goodbye is hard, I should know I've done it often enough..but this one is different.
my heart breaks a little and a tear rolls down my face, and then i look to my right and there's Sam ( Smiling in his sleep) and I remember why I am doing this... For Us, For me and Ben, For me.

I know life will be a lot different in the states and i cant wait to start this adventure ! I want to thank My sister Marie for everything she has done, without her none of this would have been possible. i will truly miss her.
i will miss most of this family, but now i have to concentrate on MY Family. Ben, Sam and Me.

I hope you will continue to follow me on this huge journey and bear with me through the next 2-3 weeks of weird FB posts Emotional Tweets and Crazy Blog posts.

So Goodbye, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodnight, I'm leaving tomorrow. 
To Be Continued......

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Relief !!!!!!!

some of you may know that my son has a rare form of epilepsy and some of you may know that we were waiting for test results for Batten's disease which is a regressive neurological disease and ultimatly leads to death by the age of 10 years.
info here
the waiting has been dreadful and not knowing really is horrible.
today i turned on my old phone needless to say there was a few (120) txt messages and 4 voicemails. One of them was from the hospital.
the nurse called with the results of the test so i hurried to phone her back.. she had called 3 weeks ago

I nervously waited for her to answer the phone, and i explained that my phone has been out of action for a few weeks and she paused and asked if i wanted the news. i said of course.
she said He does NOT have Batten's Disease, i thanked her for giving me such great news and apologised for the delay returning her message and i hung up.

then i ran in to my front room and yelled Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss at the top of my voice !
this news could not have come at a better time and couldn't have been any better. OK so Sam still has the epilepsy but thats controllable with the right meds. trial and error until we get the right med and right dosage.

but this news is sooo good i know that later when i'm alone i will shed some happy tears.

now i have 2 reasons to be very very happy

and finally i am smiling like this :)))))))))))))))))))

Monday, May 17, 2010

Age and Insecurities

We all get old and we all choose the way we age, be it gracefully or refusing to let our age show.
recently i have felt myself aging and although my biggest fear is death, i know that aging is actually a good thing.

I am becoming womanly and motherly instead of childish and childlike.
my problem with aging is that as i age i find myself becoming more insecure than ever, paranoia fills my mind a great deal of the time. I question the true feelings of the people that i love and love me.
I wonder if other women go through this or is it just me in my screwed up world.

Lately i have really been questioning my husbands feelings for me, he tells me he loves me everyday and yet i still do not believe it entirely.
He is a loving husband, a wonderful father and yet i still feel second best. of course the 5,000+ miles between us doesn't help.
i just want him to do something without me prompting him, without me telling him what i need. and then feeling like i am the wicked witch of the west.
I love him with everything in me, I can't stop loving him. I need him.

16 days and counting....

Monday, May 10, 2010

Worlds Apart

I am sitting here eating chocolate, lots of chocolate because I'm worried, Very worried.
As some of you know i am emigrating from the UK to the US in 3 weeks... what you might not know is that BA (British Airways) have just announced a series of strikes. One of them coincides with my flights.
and then there's that damn volcano.... still erupting as we speak.
I feel like breaking down and crying... and I would but there are a few things that stop me.
Firstly theres Sam, my beautiful brave little boy, how can i cry when he has been through so much with less fuss than i am making now.
Then there's my wonderful group of online friends... you know who you are so i wont name you all, but you are all very special to me and without you i'd probably go nuts.
and then theres My hubby, my wonderful loving caring sweet husband Ben, the reason for everything. my friend, my love, my rock. my everything.
we have spent more of our relationship apart than together and i just want to settle down together as a family. I miss everything about him and his lovely family. I want him to know that i love him and that he means the world to me.
I love you baby !
So guys if you feel so inclined please pray for me.. I just want to come home.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Tantrums and Tears

well i guess i asked for trouble but I am still angry and upset.

3 weeks ago I had an eye test and needed new glasses so i got 2 pairs one for daily wearing and a pair of prescription sunglasses.

i waited a week and went to collect them and my daily pair were ready but my sunglasses not. so i had a lovely pair of glasses that actually suited me.... well until today that is.

I took my glasses off to have a nap and put them on top of my laptop when i woke up i went to grab a drink out of the kitchen... Sam was playing with his trucks and a potato (?)

by the time i had got back he had snapped them, completely pulling off one arm.

Needless to say i was not happy and he is not in my good books, i shouted at him and he laughed, by this point i had lost it and screamed so loud in frustration that he cried and i hurt my throat. Then i cried.

maybe i am overreacting, maybe he's a normal little boy but sometimes i feel like he does these things on purpose... my computer, my glasses, my clothes... nothing i own seems to stay in one piece with him around, dont get me wrong I love him to death but when will the trail of destruction end ?

and yes as i write this i am wearing prescription sunglasses !